Author's note: The following is a response to the "Divorce Agreement" mass email written by John J. Wall.
Dear American conservatives, profit-before-planet capitalists, evangelicals and war mongers, et al:
It's actually been since the first Industrial Revolution that we started having our differences, but after so many decades together, who's counting? While you may have stuck by us for the sake of the kids, we were under the impression it was just the right thing to do. We're sorry you feel our relationship has run its course, but then it's not the first time white conservatives have tried to split up this country they claim to love so dearly...much in the same way you're always wanting to change the Constitution you say you love. It doesn't look like you'll be winning many elections any time soon, so we understand why you'd want to just quit.
We'd like to see you stick it out. Unfortunately, it takes two to tango. We don't want you to go, but we wouldn't choose to take away your freedom to do so. Like you, we love freedom and want to protect it. Unlike you, we'd like to protect it for more than just ourselves.
But we have a few ideas to add to your proposed separation agreement:
We're not opposed to your idea of splitting the country evenly. Since you seem to disdain all things "left", how about we take the left half, including Hawaii, Alaska, and the better portion of Texas. That's the part that's attached to Mexico. We know you won't have any problem with that! We'll continue to give immigrants a chance at a better life. Unlike you, we find Hispanics to be an industrious and family-oriented group, and we're thrilled to have them in the fold! We are curious, though - who's going to do all the work you don't want to?
We'll go ahead and keep our taxes. It will be nice to finally get to lower them, though, since we won't be paying for wars on "terror" and drugs.
Thanks for letting us finally develop sustainable forms of energy and taking the nasty, smelly oil industry with you. We look forward to an economy based on renewable energy like wind, solar and biofuels - not to mention the zippy electric cars we finally get to drive! You can have the SUVs, pickups and oversized luxury cars. The combustion engine is so 1890s, anyway.
Can we just say what a relief it will be to finally be rid of this ugly naked capitalism? We almost feel bad sending it with you - but it's what you want, after all! We'll probably end up with a system not too different, just with some common sense regulation of industry.
See, we think the good of the many is more important than the good of the few. We know, we know - how socialist of us, right? Sticks and stones will break our bones - but when those bones break, it won't break a family's budget to visit the E.R. (and that's WITH what you like to call health insurance). Good luck with that whole health-care-is-a-luxury thing. We might even put it in our Bill of Rights! While your soccer moms are missing soccer practice because they work three jobs to pay for their cholesterol and COPD pills, we'll be focusing on preventative care, healthier lifestyles, better nutrition and alternative therapies. It shouldn't be too hard for us since you'll keep the pharma, insurance and corn lobbies.
Likewise, you're welcome to Walmart. I hear they're actually raising prices storewide every day lately. I guess their predatory pricing practices finally couldn't find vendors who could keep up. Seriously, where do you go when China can't even get you stuff cheap enough? Too bad the Chinese got most of your money first.
And an unregulated Wall Street? You're welcome to it! That's worked out so well...for the brokers and bankers, anyway. We bet you'll privatize Social Security until your next market crash, and then abolish it altogether.
Yes, we might have to support a few people on welfare. We might have to feed some hungry people. Gosh, we just figure caring for each other is the right thing to do, not to mention one of the few things government is actually good for! But, like we said, we'll have plenty of money since we won't be fighting wars and paying for the next generation of jet fighters and bunker busters. Have fun funding bases and standing armies across the globe.
We're glad you offered to take Sarah Palin and the rednecks. If we are to split, on this we must insist! You keep the racists, and we'll take your homosexuals!
Let there be no mistake, we will make nice with Iran. Bluster and saber rattling just isn't our way. You'll have to forgive us if we take up diplomatic and trade sanctions against Israel until they stop acting like Nazis. They'll get no financial assistance from us. But you know who will? The Palestinians.
You can continue to pretend you have Christian values. We'll continue to honor the First Amendment and value freedom of religion, regardless of what that religion might be. Yes, even Islam! We'll even guarantee our citizens freedom FROM religion if that's what they choose. Spiritual ideas can be taught in the home and within congregations. We don't see a need to legislate them or teach them in schools.
You're welcome to keep your hymns and anthems about war and struggle. Likewise, we're ecstatic to call "Imagine", "I'd Like to Teach the World to Sing", "Kum Ba Ya" and "We Are the World" our own. We'll be feeling all warm and fuzzy and dreaming of a bright new day without all your fear, hate, racism and negativity pulling us down.
Are you still pretending trickle down economics work after all these years? The disparity between Those with the Most and Those with the Least has grown so obviously since Reagan took office - not to mention quantitatively - it's amazing you still let the words escape your mouths. You never were good with the facts.
Alas, this is our counter offer. Would you agree to it? Don't worry about us hitting you up for help in 15 years. We'll actually be helping each other. Let us know if some of you need a hand, though, okay? We still love you!
Life Student and a World Citizen
P. S. Ted, Sean, Martin, Babs and Jane send their regards. If you'd be so kind, make sure to pick up Glenn Beck, Rush Limbaugh, Ann Coulter, Karl Rove, & Rupert Murdoch. We'll let Bill O'Reilly choose for himself since we all know he doesn't even believe what he says.
P. S. S. Sorry, you may still have to press 1 for English when you call us. But when you get through, we won't send you to a call center in India because the company doesn't want to pay a living wage.